A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
