I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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