Just fell off a train. Bad.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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