Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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