when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
