She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
