if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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