Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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