there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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