Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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