I cannot find my penis.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
