he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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