did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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