I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
