I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
