anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
