Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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