john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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