I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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