Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
