Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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