It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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