dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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