hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You are the jesus of drinking
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
