i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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