I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
