I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I met the friendliest cop last night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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