Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Well I just put wine in my tea
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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