??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
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he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
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Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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