I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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