Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
