Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
