Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
