What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Randomize
