He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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