is your mom at the bar?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I need a beard to bite.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
