I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
