How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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