I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
