I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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