Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
They took my balls.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
