i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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