i don't like sucking hair
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
