When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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