Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Pants are for mortals
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
