This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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