I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
