I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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