his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
