I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
