Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
