Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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