After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
