I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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