Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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