Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
