I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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